Friday, January 15, 2010

PSA for all menfolk pertaining to their wives cooking (cleaning, sorting, folding, whatevering) for them and how to correctly respond

Occasionally things go awry in Towerland.

Someone breaks something fancy, more yelling than I find acceptable (and I have a high tolerance for yelling) occurs, someone says something lame.

All of these things can result in me going from super awesome ME to wire haired, screeching goblin ME. (Yes, there is a slight distinction, shuuuush.)

This morning, one of those things occurred. Normally I'd spend the day furious, stomping around and yelling; and while I have done that a bit, my children realized Mommy had gone nuclear and the wise one (Belle) offered to "run interference" with the other two while I got a shower and took a few moments to "chill out". (Can I say that I love that she talks like the grown ups in the house?)

So, now that I've had my shower and chill out time and the sounds from downstairs resemble happy non-destructive playing, I've decided to put this mornings debacle to good use and make a public service announcement for every man I've ever met who wants a woman to spend quality time with him.

*Ladies, I urge you to print the following script, make a few copies and strategically place them in key areas around your home. Lets help our menfolk out.
*Men, I urge you to memorize this. For your own good.

But first, what NOT to say:


(Scene: A typical weekday morning. Dogs barking and being underfoot, house is warming up, wife is cooking a delicious breakfast while small children surround her in a fashion similar to baby birds; only instead of cute little "cheeps", the less cute and more grating cries of, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!" fill the air.)

(A man walks in. He is hungry. He sees a woman furiously cooking and feeding children, but he sees no food for himself. Man does not note that wife looks very stressed and the telltale warning of more yelling before 8am than is the norm for her.)

Man: Well, if there isn't anything for me, I'll just go.

Harried Woman: I am going to make another batch. Give me a minute.

Man: No, I have to work and it isn't ready now when I need it.

Frustrated Woman who now feels like a failure because she can't cook fast enough: Then come back and I'll have a bunch ready for you. I haven't eaten either and I need to make more. Please?

Man: NO! I have to WORK!

Totally Furious Woman: (Stony silence. Then a laser beam shoots out her eyes and melts mans' face off.)

THE END


So, that is the way most men go. Now let's go the correct way.


(Scene: A typical weekday morning. Dogs barking and being underfoot, house is warming up, wife is cooking a delicious breakfast while small children surround her in a fashion similar to baby birds; only instead of cute little "cheeps", the less cute and more grating cries of, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!" fill the air.)

(A man walks in. He is hungry. He sees a woman furiously cooking and feeding children, but he sees no food for himself.Man DOES note that wife looks very stressed and the telltale warning of more yelling before 8am than is the norm for her. Man proceeds with caution)


Man: Well, if there isn't anything for me, I'll just go.


Harried Woman: I am going to make another batch. Give me a minute.


Man: No, I have to work and it isn't ready now when I need it.


Frustrated Woman who now feels like a failure because she can't cook fast enough: Then come back and I'll have a bunch ready for you. I haven't eaten either and I need to make more. Please?


Man seeing that Woman feels bad and is trying to go the extra mile for him: Honey, You need to eat first. Make some more and call me when they are ready and I'll do my best to come back. I appreciate that you are trying to do something nice for me. I love you. (He kisses his wife who still feels bad, but not as much, and leaves.)

Woman: I'm sorry. Thanks for being so understanding. I'll call you, I love you too. Bye.

(Day goes well for family and everyone lives to see tomorrow)
THE END



But wait, there's more!
Let's say the man can't make it back to eat the wonderful food. Here is what he can do. After apologizing profusely for not being able to eat immediately, when he gets home he can rush to the food the woman has left out for him and wolf it down.
The following noises/remarks are appropriate and will score him bonus points:


Mmmmmmmm!
Yummy!
This is the best thing I've ever put in my mouth!
You should become a chef!
I wish I had eaten this sooner!
Deliciouso (spanish y'all! I'm ethnic today!)
(Rub tummy over and over again with a smile on face throughout)


Now, if you were foolish enough to follow script 1, your options are limited. I personally would go with a trinket or note (because you KNOW we won't answer the phone when we are this upset) or use one of those free coupons for flowers your wife may have placed strategically in her purse for you to "borrow" in an emergency such as this. Yep, I would definitely do that.


Men, live this, do this, thank me later.

4 comments:

  1. It's funny, but Scenario #1 seems to have happened in our house before. Hmm. I think sometimes men forget that the needs of little people who can't help themselves come before the needs of big people who can. Plus, the squeeky wheel gets the grease, and my kids can SQUEEK.

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  2. It's a good thing that we can't really shoot laser beams from our eyes. Or husbands and children would all be puddles in the floor.

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  3. where can I get coupons for free flowers? ;)

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