Sunday, August 21, 2011

I don't even believe this one...

What does cheesecake, broken down trucks and Sam in a foot pursuit with a criminal wearing nothing but his undies have in common?

Only the most amusing weekend ever!

So, yeah.
Remember my last post where I said we were going to slow down and be less busy in our lives? Well God heard us. He laughed and wanted to remind us who was in charge. Well played Creator of everything, well played.

My story begins this past Friday night.
It was a regular night for us. We had dinner and walked to Buddy's football practice. I had a few things left to turn over to the new coaches (one of the things I had to let go of in light of Sam's exciting new work schedule was the dream of being a quarterback while coaching my son's football team---sorry bucket list) and of course Buddy had practice.
(Aside here: I would have sucked as a football coach. These dads who took over are amazing and it really was a good thing to have them take over. I was being kinda selfish wanting to coach Buddy. I get that now. Some things need to be left to the experts and with football, that is not me.)
So, practice ends and we wander home and get kids to bed. I had Bountiful Baskets in the morning (did I ever tell all of you that I am the volunteer area coordinator? No? What does that mean? Well it means that besides helping at my site weekly I also keep track of about 25-30 other sites in Idaho and make sure things are going okay, train new site coordinators, just help the incredible and well loved by Towerland queens of produce themselves--- Sally and Tanya--- keep this ol' bus running. It keeps me busy but I adore it.) and I needed my sleep.
I mentioned as we walked home that we had a really slow and boring weekend planned. Of course we all know that was a critical error on my part. You NEVER say something like that out loud! But I am not the brightest bulb occasionally so I did say it.

So, kids are asleep and Sam took off to work out. I was debating between watching "Spice World" or "Mortal Kombat" because really, both are cinematic gems (don't judge me) when Sam "cop walked" back in.

Let me explain the cop walk.
Sam has a lot of walks.

The sleepy stumble is when a kid has thrown up or something  and it is his turn to clean up (mwaaaa haa haa).

Then we have the Casanova swagger he tries when he is hitting on me. This one works better when he is swaggering away from a sparkling kitchen he has been slaving in all evening while I rested my eyes (hint hint).

There is the jovial jaunt he has when he is at some social event being jokey Sam. I like this jaunt a lot.

Then we have the cop walk. This one means business. He is moving fast and purposeful and if you don't want to get the cop LOOK (believe me you don't) you should get out of his way.

And there you go. You now know how to interpret Sam's mood or task at hand by his manner of walking. Enjoy.

Anyhow, he cop walked into the room and goes straight for his gear. I of course look to the heavens and send a silent "boooooo" just so the people upstairs know my feelings on this sudden change in agenda.

I ask Sambo what is up and get the cop LOOK (frick. I hate it when I get the look). He tells me he was called out and it will either be nothing or he'll see me tomorrow.
Well, that was that. "Spice World" for me and off to dreamland. I know how this will go.

Fast forward to 6:12am. Actually a bit before, but this is when my phone rang so this is the only time marker I have to document the following events.

Sam had stumbled in either recently or only kinda recently. I sleep through his comings and goings nowadays so I can't be too sure. He was flopping down on the bed and mumbled something about sleeping for an hour or so and going back to work.

I turn to look at the time and see that I have a bazillion texts about Bountiful Baskets. Apparently we had a pile of late trucks for the day. Frick.

Then Ada starts FREAKING OUT and lunging at our back door. Ella is howling in Belle's room too. This is pretty uncharacteristic and Sam and I both sit up. We hear a clank and Sam jumps up, grabs his gun and bolts down the stairs and outside... wearing nothing but his undies.

This day just got awesome.

For about .03 seconds I'm thinking about getting my camera to get a picture of whatever mayhem is going on outside (because I have no clue but I do know it involved a nearly naked Sam, something loud and a gun therefore it must be fantastic) but then the cop wife kicks in on me and I get to scratch something off my bucket list: I get to call for some backup for Sam.

I cannot express how much glee this gave me. Finally, all my wildest dreams are coming true! So glad I voted for Pedro.

But see, it got even zanier from here!

The call went kinda like this (too early to remember exacts):

Dispatch: Jefferson County Dispatch

Me: Hi, this is Tower's wife Kimber. He just took off down the stairs in his undies with his gun and I think he may need some assistance (and I soooooooo wanted to say "and a pair of pants" but I resisted. I have self control).

Dispatch: I don't think we have anyone to help. They are dealing with the meth lab that is on fire by your house.

Me: (Thinking, WHUCK? Meth lab? Fire? Double frick!) Okay, maybe the two are related, maybe someone could must check...

Dispatch: We'll see if someone can come by.

Me: Thank you. Bye.

While this is going I'm responding to texts about late trucks of produce and nursing the baby so he wouldn't wake up because half naked running husband + meth lab up the street on fire = wacky tra la la fun way to start the morning but adding a cranky baby kills the fun big time. (Right now you had all better crown me the queen of multi-tasking or I will never speak to you again. I mean it. I want my crown!)

So, Sam returns for some pants. Sigh.
At this point I am wide awake and ready to know what is going on.

Turns out 1 house over from us is a meth lab.
(Okay, I'm only giving the logistics once people: This is all of us standing in my driveway facing the street. We turn to our left and there is Poo Lawn next door. The NEXT house. Again: Towerland, Poo Lawn house, METH LAB--- still smoldering. Geography lesson over!)

Last night through whatever means is used (I don't pay attention to this stuff, my brain goes to shoe shopping when Sam talks legalese) the fuzz were alerted to this lab so Sambo was called out to do this detective thing and detect. He detected meth lab apparently. Sweet.

So, he spent the night doing whatever cops do with meth labs (again, brain sleepy sleepy time) and then attempted to catch a bit of sleep because this kind of thing is long and he had worked all day too.

We all know the rule in Rigby: If Towerland needs a vacation, a nap, a break of any sort... the criminals want to play.

Therefore, this criminal mastermind decided that EVEN THOUGH there was a pile of cops taping off his lab, right then would be a good time to dispose of the evidence by setting his lab on fire.
Brilliant. No one will ever figure it out.

So, he gets caught. Of course.
He decides to run and he bolted through our yard and knocked over random crap while leaping fences or something. Apparently meth makes all your teeth rot out but it also helps you run and leap like a bunny. Who knew?
So when we heard the noises and the dogs wigged, it was our methy pal making his great escape.

At this point I ask if the lab is still on fire and I'm calculating how much protection poo lawn gives me if anything goes Boom Boom. Sambo tells me all is fine, the fire is out and I should go to bed.
I would (because really, another day, another crime... sleep is a way bigger deal) but I have truck routes to worry about.
Speaking of truck routes... crap! I'm late.

I pile the herd of kids into Angelina Jolie the minivan (so happy she was back from the car doctor!) and we haul hiney to our site to do baskets.
Marilynn was there and she fed my kids breakfast. A bag of Skittles each. Bless that woman. I really didn't care for 2 reasons:
1. Meth Lab and
2. Xander is convinced every time we open a bag of skittles that a rainbow is going to shoot out and he gets all disgruntled when it doesn't happen and I get endless amounts of giggles from his reactions.

So, we do baskets and it rocks.

Back to answering calls all day for Bountiful Baskets (welcome to my Saturdays. Truth: I love it.) and of course, the party that is Meth Lab.

The kids were determined to help Sam so they came up with a tactical plan to catch the criminal.
I asked them to draw it. Enjoy:

 Top: Buddy and Xander are pulling a rope connected to a piece of chewed gum that holds a coat hanger.
This coat hanger catches Mr. Methy around the neck.
Belle is at the bottom left (saying "ha ha ha") squirting him with a water gun and the guy at the right is a cop walking over to handcuff Mr. Methy.

My kids are genius'.

Sam took the plan with him for the other officers to review. And now you all know how work gets done around here.

I spend my morning getting food for some officers who need to eat. This may seem silly but as a police wife I have two options in situations like this: fret about what is going on and get in the way or do something to help others. I try to choose the latter whenever I can.
The officers were sweet enough to humor me and eat while I baked all day long. Really. Come see my kitchen.

In the afternoon Haz-Mat arrived.

Hear that sound?
It is my property value free falling.
Never a good thing when Towerland is the classiest house on the block people.

Oh well. It was still fun. You should have seen people in the 'hood. They were all sitting on their lawns and porches with popsicles and sodas watching the show. Meanwhile my kids were bored and wanted to do anything but watch Haz-Mat work. They may be a bit jaded.

 There's the Hawt Cop talking to another officer.
I'm sorry he's wearing clothes for this shot too people.
I couldn't talk him into a reenactment for historical purposes.

 Now you know the truth: EVERYONE has a crush on Detective Tower.

 So you can see how close the Methlab is.
There is Angelina Jolie the minivan in our driveway. Then Poo Lawn. Then Meth Lab right behind the Haz-Mat truck. So fancy.

As if this isn't cool enough, I got to play Produce Police during this too!

I took the kids for Cheetos because when there are drugs running rampant on your street the best option is to buy your kids some processed goods.
I don't know, it just felt right.
(The Lays were for Sam. Because he isn't allergic for once)

Anyhow, I was coming home and I saw a very familiar truck by my house with some very familiar looking goods coming out of it... that was a fun adventure for me and I felt all cool while I got to figure out what was going on and report back to the powers that be. The rest of that information is classified. Or boring. Either way I'm not telling.

Anyhow, so the day finally ended with me standing my my kitchen wishing I could call Miss Manners and ask her if Chili and Cheesecake went well enough with a Meth Lab dinner. Sadly, I don't know if she would have had an answer.
Either way, that is what I made for dinner for the cops and the kids.
I'll share the cheesecake recipe later, I was happy with it.

Around 24 hours after Sam went to work he stumbled back home, got in bed and went to sleep. Poor guy.
What a weekend.

Oh and one shot of our brave doggie Ada who did her part by barking and alerting us to the ruckus this morning. That dog has officially earned her keep and has been given a "Get out of Jail Free" card for the next time she pukes on my carpet. Good girl Ada!

There is is. The long, ridiculous tale. My life is so awesome.
All we need on this block is a brothel and we will get the classiest street award from the city.
Fingers crossed!

So, how was YOUR weekend?


  1. Oh my! I loved every second of this story. I really wish I had been there to be a part of the awesomeness! My weekend sucked compared to yours!

  2. I love this post. Hubby listened to me read it aloud and snorted a few times, too. SO FUNNY!

  3. What a great BB day! At least it isn't boring around your house on Saturdays.

  4. I want to laugh AND cry with you. But mostly just laugh! This is the best post you've ever written. Especially because I can totally recognize the jovial jaunt!

  5. the genius that tried to burn down the garage was my FAN FREAKEN TASTIK neighbor Cody!!!! I'd take him over your neighbors, but would still LOVE TO PUSH HIM ON A DARK CLIF!!!

  6. Wow. Just, wow. Apparently, meth makes you do stupid things, like building a drug lab two doors down from a cop.

    HiLARious story!