Thursday, November 17, 2011

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 16

Well, This was what I WAS thankful for in the morning:

Today I am so thankful that Sam is done covering patrol shifts and doing detective shifts at the same time. It has been a long couple of months and a lot of overtime (which is awesome but tiring) and while I am sincerely grateful for the extra income I am really looking forward to returning to "normal" as opposed to him going in to work pretty much every single day for at least an hour or two here and there and more often 8-12 hours. I'm looking forward to being about to create a semblance of a routine like we usually have every school year that has been missing while we were in limbo waiting for Sam to have his usual schedule again.
I'm thankful for the opportunity for the overtime and the chance to appreciate the routine we didn't have and I'm thankful to have it back. I was exhausted!

Then around lunchtime Sam got a call and it turns out we have some more months to go before we return to normal.

Have you ever felt like you were running a marathon and it takes most of your strength but you finally cross that finish line and feel that relief and joy until someone tells you they moved the finish line and you have 2 more miles to go and you need to start running again?
That is pretty much what I felt like the rest of the day. And the rest of the night while I was up thinking about it. And this morning while I was still up. And now because I didn't finish this post on the 16th so I'm finishing it now.
I'm so tired. Not just because I was up all night either. 
I've been going with this wacky no set routine schedule for months and I think the only thing that kept me from losing it was that I knew it would end. Like when you're in labor. I love labor because I KNOW it will be over within hours and I can do anything hard with a good attitude when I have a deadline of when the hard part ends. 
When the time line gets hazy I get tense. I only had the mindset of this lasting to a certain time and now I'm finding myself having to prep for more days and nights when not only is he working the patrol shifts but he is getting called out on his days off or he is working hours and hours extra after a shift because something else happened that requires a detective or he needs to run into work to do a report for "10 minutes" and he gets sucked into his work for an extra few hours. I can handle all that but I have no pattern to stabilize my days and that gives me stress. 
I can't make a routine and leave him out of it because that isn't good for our family and I can't make a routine with him because at this point there is no foundation for that routine. But the kids need a routine and I need a routine.
I woke up saying to myself "I don't have it in me to keep this up and do it gracefully".
As I stumbled down the stairs on my own (yes it is Sam's day off. He's working.) I passed the kitchen table and a paper caught my eye. 
We got a letter in the mail from our bishop yesterday. Everyone in our congregation did. It is this letter of encouragement and counsel and yesterday morning when I read it I enjoyed it and thought to myself how lucky we were to be through this marathon of working that was honestly wiping me out and that was that. 
Today this letter has taken on a whole new meaning. 
Make no mistake, I am grateful for Sam's job and I'm grateful for the overtime because I know it will help us out financially. We are very blessed with a steady job and plenty of hours.
I was just prepared for one thing and another thing is happening instead and I am struggling to shift gears mentally.
This is a challenge for our entire family.
Now, we have a choice. We can be angry and frustrated that things aren't going to go the way we wanted this holiday season. Sam won't have the days off we were planning on and we will have a chaotic schedule for some time longer.
We can take this challenge and find the fun in it. We can accept what we are handed and squeeze every positive drop out of it and become closer as a family. We can discover strength we didn't think we had and run awhile longer.
We... me.... wait, proper grammar... I can be grateful that my most frustrating issue in life right now is that my husband is great at his job and is working a lot. It may feel hard today, but I am blessed.
So, for the 16th I am grateful that God has the confidence in our family to keep on running. I'm grateful that we are a close family and we can work as a team together and move through this. I am grateful for Sam's job and the fact that we have it. I'm grateful for the timing that seems to be all around me and for that letter from our bishop we received yesterday.
Someone get me a new pair of running shoes, I feel the urge to jog.

1 comment:

  1. OOOOOooo! Those shoes are frightening! I hope things settle down a bit for you soon. I hate the time struggles.