Do you ever have those moments where you just put your face in your hands and wonder what the point is to all the work you are doing?
I'm having one of those mornings.
Actually, it started last night.
I made a new cupcake recipe. For the record, it is outstanding and easy to make. I made up a recipe for chocolate coconut frosting and it seriously makes the cupcake go into double rainbow status. I know... THAT GOOD.
Anyhow, I made those and of course Sam's internal beacon that tells him I've made something he wants to eat goes off and he shows up with another officer and they steal a cupcake or so and take off. By this time it is getting late and the kids are all over the place and the upstairs is trashed and I'm just too tired to get the cleaning done but they are all being whiny and begging for more cupcakes (I gave them one and seriously, that was enough, they made a huge mess) so I just get cranky and tell them it is bedtime... you know, an hour after our usual bedtime... and they WILL NOT bug me at 6am wanting breakfast come morning. I tell them the upstairs is trashed and they will not set a foot down the stairs until they clean it up in the morning and I love them but that is just how it needs to be and everyone gets a kiss and they pass out and I stumble down the stairs and I pass out too because I was that tired.
So, morning happens. Buddy was up with a growing pain in his leg last night so I did that for a bit. Then when Sam got off work I woke up again (cop wives, is it just me or do they all but shoot of their gun when they get home to let us know the MAN has arrived? I mean, seriously, they are not quiet about being home. I sometimes wonder how they are able to sneak up on anyone because, wow.) and I *just* fell back asleep when Ozzy woke up with a start and decided he had to eat immediately. I was so desperate for a few more minutes of sleep that I gave him a breakfast bar in bed (yes my bed is full of crumbs now and no, it wasn't worth it at all) and tried to sleep another 10 minutes but finally gave up.
I decided to be positive and not let my sleepy head ruin the day. I poked my head up the stairs and the kids claimed to be cleaning so I chose to do nice things for them. I got on Pinterest on my kindle (I found out last night there is a free Pinterest app so I can actually do it on my kindle, hooray!) and pulled these fabulous pancakes in a muffin tin and cauliflower with eggs and cheese recipes and got to work.
The kids come trotting down wanting to eat and I dish them up and wait for the happy noises.
That was dumb of me. Buddy immediately goes to his miserable place and tries to take us all with him. Isabelle tries to compensate with lots of fake "yummy" sounds and Xander waffles between liking it and telling me my cooking sucks. Ozzy can't talk much yet so he just ate, praise the Lord. Finally I give up and send Buddy to his room while I battle with Xander about just finishing his fricking plate (it wasn't THAT MUCH food) then I was cleaning and of course I'm trying to keep everyone quiet so Sam can sleep.
I do all that, I look at my work. I come up the stairs to see the kids' hard work and discover they didn't actually do any work, they just made busy noises and wandered around and the place is still trashed. I am currently listening to Buddy moan (since he is laying on the floor next to me for maximum annoyance) about how he is starving and will surely die soon and I just want to cry a little.
Why do I bother? No matter how hard I work, someone is constantly griping. Even outside my little family it seems like I can't do anything without someone throwing a hissy fit, Buddy style because I wasn't their version of perfect. Honestly, it is downright depressing some days.
I take this in, I feel so glum and I realize something.
I've been really blessed this summer. It has been a hard summer, but mostly because good things can be hard too. Some of the stress of the summer has been character building for me and some has been there to build my endurance in one way or another but the thing is, really, it has all been good for me. However, I've spent the summer throwing Buddy style tantrums and asking God why things have to be SO HARD when if he worked on my timeline or followed my recipe for my life it would be much better for me. Then, on top of that, there are a few chores I've needed to do that I've been dragging my feet on because I'm tired and I'm grumpy and whining is soooo much easier and I realize God might just be sitting at his laptop too listening to me lay around and gripe and he is probably wondering why he bothers too.
Just like my whiney kids and my faking it until she makes it kid, I've been failing to see the point of what has been given to me. It is there to help me and make me better and the person who made it knows what their doing. I need to appreciate that someone loves me enough to cook me up this spiritual feast and just dive in instead of picking at the edges and asking for something else. This is my plate and it is time to eat.
We parents bother because we know what our children need to be stronger and we love them enough to dish it out.
In case that doesn't make sense, what I'm saying is I'll be posting more over the next bit here and it will probably bore you to death so feel free to skip it, but I need to talk about the summer so I can get through and move on.
In the case of my whiny kid... I sure hope he eats before church because I don't have the energy to pack his snacks if he doesn't eat up. We'll be in the back row today if you want to avoid that fun moment when that comes to a head. I'm just going to hope he'll eat in the next few minutes and we can avoid the sorrow altogether.