Occasionally I do something hard and God gives me such immediate confirmation that I did what I was supposed to that I'm a little overwhelmed by it all.
I'm having one of those moments.
If you know me at all, you know I love to be involved. Really involved. I really can't remember a time when I didn't have a pile of things to do on my plate. I've sometimes felt like pizza dough being stretched and stretched to reach the edges of the pan. For many years (I'm talking since high school) I've been able to stretch and never pull a hole in my pizza dough self.
This year has been different.
Remember when I started running and how I got a little to aggressive at the beginning and got hurt and kept getting hurt? No? Read here. (I'll wait.) That was a hard lesson for me, but since that time I have been slowly but deliberately extracting myself from different obligations.
It has been a tricky process for me, this lessening of my life. I've viewed it as that too. Not a simplifying, but a lessening. I think that made it harder.
Anyhow, I've spent months making pro and cons lists for different obligations in the hopes I would be able to take all these GOOD things I am involved in and keep only what was best for my family. It has been hard, but I thought I was done some months back.
Then Cinco decided this was a good year to show up. More reevaluating, more hard choices.
Again, I thought I'd thinned out my life enough. But I was wrong. Deep down I knew it but I didn't want to keep plucking things out.
I've been having this inner battle for months and it has weighed on me a great deal. So many hours of worrying and thinking through different ways to make everything fit. I have felt more and more discouraged as I had to take good things and set them aside at this time. Nothing bothers me more than "quitting" and I've been looking at all of this as me being a quitter and just beating myself up. I think it probably has had a negative affect on my health to be honest.
This week was just it for me. I have felt bad constantly, I haven't slept well, I haven't felt good at all and I've just been in total turmoil.
Last night I woke up at 2am and just stayed up. I needed to think and think and think. By 5am I knew what I needed to do. I woke Sam up to talk to him about it (he had to get up for work anyhow, don't worry) and after a long discussion among other things I finally understood. No, understand.
I get it now. I get why I have been hit with discouraging, negative and just plain no fun situations constantly for months. I get why I have been so sick so much.
My strength of not quitting things has been blocking God's way and has instead become a weakness. There are others things I need to be doing and as long as I cling to what I know right now, what is comfortable, I can't move forward. I haven't been on a wrong road or a bad road, nothing like that... I merely haven't been on MY road. Of course, I'm incredibly bull headed sometimes and I have been unable to see that I needed to get on a new road as this one has ended for me and all my adventures lie elsewhere. So, God has been trying to force me to redirect through these negative experiences and being sick and all the stress etc. I haven't understood, in fact I have been downright angry at God for this pain at times and when I wasn't angry I've just been discouraged and a bit depressed. For the life of me I just could not see.
I can't think of many times in my life when God has stuck his hand so clearly in my life to move me exactly where I need to be but now I look back and I can see that. Now that I understood (understand) I spent my morning doing what I needed to do.
I let go.
Those last things that I loved, that I didn't want to walk away from... I let them go. that was hard. Really hard. But I knew it was the right thing to do.
Isn't is amazing what you can get done when you wake up at 2am?
Anyhow, LDS General Conference started right as I finished my letting go. As I listened to talks and sliced up apples for dehydrating, roasted sweet potatoes and folded laundry (Guys, that was a slow morning for me but if my hands are moving I can pay attention better), I heard many things that reaffirmed that I was (finally) getting on MY road. There were talks on listening to promptings, parenting and being who we are and loving it.
But, that last talk by Elder Uchtdorf really hit home. I don't have a copy of his talk yet since it happened oh, an hour and a half ago, but I do have a copy of a similar talk he gave a few years ago. Read it here. It is worth the time and again, I'll wait.
What hit me was when he talked about being busy and how we need less busy and more time with our familes, how we need more time with the ones we love the most. I can't even remember all that he said, but I felt so strongly this feeling of approval that I had FINALLY been able to hear what God has been trying to tell me and that I did it once I understood.
I needed to hear that today.
It is really hard to walk away from good things. It is hard when we realize we need to move in another direction when we really like the direction we are in. Sometimes though, if we don't get on the new road we won't really be going anywhere and well, if we can't go forward, which directly could we end up going? Yeah.
So, here I am. New road. New things to do. I have no clue what those things are but I do know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be and things will be wonderful.
I also really want a nap. Dare to dream (literally).