Thursday, January 3, 2013

2013: The year I start new fashion trends

I want to make you all feel good about yourselves.

That is why I share this story.

Next time you feel fugly or lame, just remember me and you will instantly have a self-esteem boost because NONE OF YOU are dumb enough to do what I just did.

With that, let me set the stage:

January 1, 2013.

I'm sleepy. I'm super pregnant. I've officially hit that phase where none of the clothes fit anymore and if by some miracle they do fit, they look horrible on me. This means I am still capable of looking semi-cute, but at the cost of being so uncomfortable that I'm totally distracted because I want to strip all my clothes off and just run free because everything is pinching and rolling and, blah. Pregnancy brain is actually Nothing Fits Brain, just so you know.

This is that point where my bedroom gets really messy because I have around 3 outfits a day that I rotate through in order to stay sane. I have cute outfit number one that if the preferred outfit for when I leave the house or when someone comes over or I teach piano. I have cute outfit number two that is equally cute and equally uncomfortable, but sometimes in my head that second outfit will be uncomfortable in a new and exciting way so the switch works for a few hours. Then, I have the comfortable outfit. This is what I want to wear all day because I feel sane in it and even though it makes me look like a bag lady, I'm a happy bag lady so that is a win.

 (In the interest of full disclosure, I do have secret outfit number four which is not an outfit at all, but my fuzzy blue robe that I wear every single day of the year when we get within an hour of bedtime. I'm not shy about it either. I'll answer the door in it, take out the trash... I'll even go to a baby shower in it if everyone else says they're wearing jammies too--- and then they all wear cute outfits instead. Whatever. This is the best outfit and I am always wishing I could just wear that all the time. I would most likely convert to a religion that allowed such a wardrobe, but I have yet to find one. Sigh.)

Anyhow, back to the three main outfits. These guys are worn very little over the course of the day, a few hours each. Therefore, they stay in the rotation for a few days or until I spill on them or a kid snots on them or something equally gross. Don't you judge me, I just listen to all those experts who say the more you wash clothes, the more they wear out. Yes, experts do say that, you are welcome for the pass to not wash clothes as much. (I have yet to find an expert who will say that folding and putting away clothes also damages them, but I keep the faith.)

ANYHOW (for real this time), it is January 1st. I'm not expecting visitors and I'm not planning to go anywhere so I rotate between comfy clothes and comfier clothes. Even comfy clothes get pinchy after a few hours. I'm pretty happy with my day so far. Then, I get a text from a piano parent who wants to do lessons that day. Eh, I'm bored, so why not?

Only, I forget that I'm wearing comfy clothes.

Let me describe this outfit for you. I have my awesome Honey Badger shirt I got for Christmas. I bought several for Sam and I because we love that Honey Badger.

It makes us feel all care free when we wear it.

Then, I have on a dance warm up pair of pants that are actually more of an overall thing made of fleece. It is very loose and truthfully, it was ugly when I bought it 15 years ago. But, I keep it because I love it and because I like to pretend 1. that I was actually kind of good at dancing and 2. that one day I will take dance classes again and I'll need that warm up. Same reason I have several leotards and dance tights hanging around. Again, no judgements, please, or I'll come to your house and find your old varsity jacket you wear late at night to the store and I'll mock you forever.

See, they still make something very similar to what I own. That is a good thing since I will buy another one if mine every goes missing. That is probably the only reason Sam hasn't tried to steal it and throw it away. He really hates that warm up thing.

So, we have the pants, which are not overalled up, but are folded down over my belly. Very comfy and very lumpy. Finally, we have the perfect finish to this ensemble, a ginormous fair aisle cardigan thingy. I "bought it for Sam" a few years ago, right after he told me he thought it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen and he would rather burn himself alive than wear it. Then I put it in my closet and I wear it with glee every winter because, while it is ugly, it is so warm and cozy.

Okay, mine is more brown and beige and red and has buttons and is much bigger, but you get the idea.

To top it off I'm wearing fleece socks and my brown clog slippers.

Trim that fur down a ton and you have my slippers. I love them.

Now, I wasn't a total train wreck. I had showered an hour before so I had styled my hair a bit and I was wearing make up, even lip stick. So, my face was cute. Puffy, but cute. I hate the pregnancy puff thing. Blah.

Now you know what I was wearing.

Back to that day. My piano student surprises me and in my rush to tidy up the living room and completely forget I am in my comfy outfit and I don't change into the nice outfit sitting at the foot of my bed for just such a moment.

Even more important, I do not remember that I dressed in the dark because I didn't want to wake a napping baby. This means I didn't notice that I put my fleece pants on INSIDE OUT.

So, my piano student arrives and his mom wants to sit through the lesson with him. This isn't a big deal typically because many parents do that and I think it is good for the students to have a parent at their lesson. Plus, this gal is really really nice.

However, she is also really really pretty. I mean, just adorable. She also has a very put together appearance at all times. If I'm being honest with myself (and I am) I could be wearing my wedding dress and be totally decked out and she could be wearing a casual skirt and she would look more put together than me. I've accepted that and again, she's a really nice person, so I don't hold it against her.

I realize I forgot to change clothes and I apologize and she is very gracious about it and I don't sweat it at all... until 5 minutes until the end of the lesson when I notice my inside out pants. Then, I die a little. But, what can I do? Not much, so I decide she'll forgive me for my sloppiness and chalk it up to pregnancy and a holiday and I move on.

I know, you're thinking, well, you're a slob, but that isn't that big of a deal.

Don't cut me off! I'm not finished telling my story!

Now it is January 2, 2013.

I am starting piano back up on this day so I am prepared for that. I have lessons throughout the day so I am doing my usual comfy outfit switch to nice outfit switch back to comfy outfit routine. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it keeps me happy.

Well, I'm back in my comfy outfit, which happens to be the EXACT SAME OUTFIT I used yesterday. Honey Badger, fleece thing (NOT inside out this time, I made sure) and sweater. It wasn't dirty and I was helping take down the Christmas tree between lessons and I didn't want to ruin my nice outfit. I lose track of time and then suddenly my lesson is going to be there and I forget to change clothes.

I also forget who my student is.

The brother of the piano kid who came the day before. And, his mom. (She decided to sit in on his lesson too.)

Now, this time I forget that I'm in my not comfy clothes until halfway through the lesson when I think to myself, "boy, this crappy fancy outfit is so much comfier than I remembers... wait a minute!"

I look down and, yep. Comfy clothes.

I inwardly sigh and figure, oh well, she'll chalk it up to pregnanc---- wait a minute! I WORE THIS EXACT OUTFIT YESTERDAY AND SHE WAS HERE YESTERDAY TOO! NOOOOOOOOO!

People, I don't embarrass easily, but I was just mortified. I nearly stopped the lesson to explain my clothing routine. Honestly, I debated it about ten times and finally I just decided to pretend it wasn't happening and count on her to be gracious and not ask me if I needed someone to do my laundry or something.

Finally, the lesson ended and my mortification was complete. She looked adorable again, by the way. And wearing a different outfit from the day before.

Once they leave I run to find Sam and I tell him what just happened. What he said next is why we will be together forever. He took a second, looked me over, leaned in and said, "well, you don't smell bad so I think you're fine."

I love that guy.

So, there it is. I've started 2013 with some serious flair.

Oh, and while I was typing this, I realized I put on the same shirt and sweater AGAIN this morning. Pants are washing, but I forgot to put the shirt in the wash and again, dressed in the dark. I don't have piano today. I'm going downstairs right now to change clothes anyhow.

That, my friends (and blog stalkers) is my story. I hope it brightens your day.

1 comment:

  1. Number, I love & admire you even more than before. I definitely need to read your blog more often. It made me a little less embarrassed about answering my door braless and in a worn out nightgown 2 days in a row to the exact same UPS guy. The 1st time I thought it was my daughter returning from a friend's house. The 2nd time I had just showered and had gone to my room to get dressed when the doorbell rang. I threw on my ratty nightgown and rushed to the door to find myself face to face with the same guy. I have had UPS at my door less than a dozen times in my life, but get the same guy 2 days in a row? ha ha Becki Jackson