Saturday, January 17, 2015

Writing My Regrets

**I started this on January 7th. It took some work to get words out. I hope I got them right.**

“Using your real voice might make you uncomfortable. It might make the people around you feel uncomfortable, but until we make it normal for women to be heard, until we are heard for our ideas and not viewed as tokens, that’s the price we’ll pay. I, for one, have been willing to pay that price.”

-Becky Lockhart

See an article about Becky here and here. (If you google her you will find tons and tons, fyi.)

Becky is Sam's older sister. Well, one of them. Sam has 4 siblings. 3 sisters and a brother. He's the baby in the family. Becky lives in Utah. She has a funny husband and three kids, a son serving a mission who likes to golf, a daughter who was married last year and who has incredible fashion sense, and her oldest daughter who is getting into running, and, as I know first hand, makes an excellent tour guide. Becky has beautiful hair and she tells great jokes. 

That is about all I know about Becky.

Why? Isn't she your sister-in-law?

Well, yes.

But, in case you haven't ever noticed, I don't talk about Sam's family. 

You see, families are tricky. When you get married, they are even trickier. Everyone gets together for a wedding and, in the best of circumstances it can be kind of rocky at times. Most of you know our wedding story. It wasn't the best of circumstances. It was a crazy, whirlwind wedding disaster that happened to become the most wonderful marriage on the planet. I don't regret marrying Sam at all.

Except... there was fall out.

I won't bore you with typical family drama, but I will say, Sam has a nice family that I am completely intimidated by at best and terrified of at worst (which is most of the time). I didn't grow up with them, I'm not at all like them. They scare the crap out of me. For some years in there, I tried to be braver and I tried to reach out a bit, but my fear won and these past few years I had made peace with the situation and had decided some families aren't meant to be friends.

I very much regret that decision today. 

You know, I don't have many regrets at all. Other than that hat wearing incident when I was a teenager and the blue eye shadow thing, I'm pretty content with the ups and downs of my life. But this... this I regret. 

I regret not getting to know Sam's sister. I regret not pushing past what I perceived as dislike and disinterest and doing what I have done many other times with many  other people and just loved them until they all loved me back. I regret knowing I won't have an opportunity to change that with at least one person in his family. 

I've spent some time in the past 24 hours learning about Sam's sister Becky. I'd never really read anything about her. I am politically inept and my meager political experience has been mostly in Rigby, which means it hasn't been great, so I have always avoided learning anything political. But, that quote up top? It's pretty cool. She sounds like someone I would have really adored. She sounds like a bit of a badass. I regret finding that out now instead of 13 years ago.

Life is short. Fences are easier to mend on this side of life. 

There are a lot of woulda, coulda, shouldas ringing in my head.

But, right now isn't the moment to wallow in those thoughts. Right now, there is a family that is losing a mother, a wife, and daughter, and a sister. That is the priority and my regrets and wishes can wait.

But, change can't.

There are many reasons to avoid relationships with extended family. There are lots of excuses that are valid and it really is easier to stick with the comfort that comes with dislike, disinterest and distance.

But, today I can tell you there is one reason that trumps all of that and makes change critical.

The other person.

I want to share a picture that was taken just a few weeks ago. There is a lot of back story in this picture, some hurt feelings, but, today, I don't care. Photoshop exists for a reason. Talking is tricky. What matters most is that this picture happened and that it exists because it is a very special picture. It is special because of the people in it. We forget that too often.

Don't waste time holding back love because you are mad or scared or tired of not being loved back. Just love and try and don't have regrets.

1 comment:

  1. Kimber,
    I don't know you and barely know Sam. I remember him as a child. But I know Becky. Her father Jerry and I grew up together with his siblings; we were cousins and my parents were going to adopt Jerry and do potter his parents were killed in a car crash, but then my father was killed a few months later. Anyway, I know Becky would be impressed by your courage today. I hope we get to meet some time.