Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Those Last Few Miles are the Hardest

It is 10 o'clock and night and I'm supposed to be eating dinner because I haven't had time to eat what was supposed to be lunch today.

But, I'm a rebel, so I'm not eating dinner just yet.

Also, I need to get a few things off my chest.

I've never run a marathon. But, I did run that half marathon on the treadmill once. That was hard. You know when is was the hardest? When I was nearly done. Oh boy, the last 45 minutes was agony. I wanted to be done, but I couldn't be done because I wasn't quite there yet. I've been told that marathons are similar. Everything starts to fall apart right at the end and you just limp along because you are so much further than you were and it is about to be worth it.

That is my life right now.

Let me just lay it out. I am starting a wonderful, full-time position in a few days. I am so happy for the opportunity. It is an absolute blessing. So, that is my end of my marathon there. The wonderful thing I am running towards.

But, what I have been slogging through has been rough. I've been stepping down from all sorts of things, and not all of that has been handled gracefully by those I'm stepping away from. In fact, a few in particular have gotten a little cranky and it has hurt my feelings a lot. My kids are struggling. I mean, STRUGGLING. Apparently this is the end of days for them. They are acting out and emotional and they haven't been my kids, but little rage monsters. I've been sick. Really sick. Between a horrible sinus infection that I finally went to the doctor for, to a poisonous spider bite that was so bad I couldn't even run for a week, every day has been painful and exhausting in some manner. I've ugly cried more times than I can count. I'm exhausted and discouraged and I want to give up. I've had more than one moment when I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stand by the end of the day, I felt so tired and sick. Frankly, it has sucked.

But, I'm almost there. I can do this. Every day I have been counting down. In the moments when someone who is unhappy with me for whatever reason says that mean thing that just hits me in the feels, I remind myself that I am days away from my goal. When my kids flip out in unexpected and really upsetting ways, I remind myself that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and it will get easier. In the moments when everything is my fault, even when whatever it is has nothing to do with me, I focus on knowing that I am tough enough to handle misplaced anger. When I miss all my meals because I am running from place to place to place and everyone is barking at me to do better and keep up, I remember that I am nearly there and I can do anything for 2 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours, etc.

I'm almost there.

I know, why bother to tell you all of this?

Because I wish everyone in the world would remember a few things.

1. We all struggle. Even when life is good, we struggle.
2. Change is hard. No matter what. It is hard. And important, good change is the hardest.
3. Sometimes being kind is the most important thing we can do all day.

I know I'm going to push through this emotional time and it will all be good. The kids will get used to the new normal and they will thrive. I'll figure out how to schedule meals better. People who aren't appreciative of my efforts will probably need to learn to do without me. It is okay. It will be okay.

In the meantime, I'm going to limp along, because, what is coming is worth it.

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