This morning I was having a shit morning. I was worried about work and my abilities and I was angry about how things are just harder than they need to be and and taking God to task in my head while I was getting ready for the day. Just having an "I can't do anything right and I'll never be good at anything and the universe sucks" moment. I hate those times.
As I was throwing this mental tantrum in my head, I was replaying all the hard stuff that had happened in the past year. My thoughts turned to Sam's sister, Becky, and how we were reaching her birthday and I just angrily shot off this thought to God that maybe I'd stop speaking to him and just try to talk to her instead so someone would actually listen once in awhile.
Like I said, tantrum. I have them occasionally.
I arrived to work not feeling much better, but, I'd gotten most of my angry thoughts out of my system, so, I settled in and got to work. First, up, I needed to write an email. Well, as I started to type in the letters of the email address, I turned away from the screen for a second. I finished typing and turned back and the email address that had populated that box was "Becky Lockhart."
You guys, I didn't write Becky Lockhart.
I looked down at my fingers, backed out of the email, and typed the letters again.
I got Becky Lockhart again.
Then I just sat there for a minute, just staring at the screen. Tears were welling up in my eyes, and, I think to the surprise of everyone in the office, I just started crying. Here I was, throwing this enormous emotional fit and threatening to stop speaking to God, and my sister-in-law is apparently making her presence known.
What do you even do with that?
Laugh, because that is just funny? Cry, because you actually can't write her an email? Run from your computer in case it is possessed?
I cried. A lot.
I haven't cried often about Becky. Partially because it is my job to support Sambo, and I need to keep things together. Mostly because I haven't felt like I have the right to cry about someone I wasn't close to. That right belongs to people who aren't me. But, for just a moment, I felt like she was aware of me and my feelings and it made me feel kind of special. It also made me unbearably sad that I would never have a chance in this lifetime to actually talk to her or write her an email or anything at all.
I don't know what to do with those feelings. I guess that is why I'm writing about it.