Sunday, November 29, 2015

Being Who I Wish I Could Have Been for Myself Many Years Ago

**Because I offended someone, I am going to edit this more in order to avoid upsetting them further. Because I believe I need to say something, I'm keeping this up.**

Let me preface this post with a disclaimer:

I am not casting judgement on anyone, past, present, or future who is involved with working with youth. I'm stating facts I have learned from years of pondering, studying, and experience. They might hurt a little for some people, and if they do, I am sad that they hurt you. But, I will not stop stating the truth just to increase an adult's comfort level. I'm going to say these things because I promised myself years ago that if/when I was a mother to a teenage girl, I would not let what happened to me, happen to her. It is time for me to start keeping that promise to myself.



Belle and I were talking recently, and an adult said something about Belle that was relayed back to Sis and it hurt her feelings and it bothered me a great deal. I made a point to research this alleged act, and, I feel that it is a legitimate problem.

I have deep concerns about any adult, particularly those in leadership positions saying negative things about any child or teen.


1. If the adult is not the actual parent of the child, they do not have enough information to make any judgement. If they have a concern, it is best expressed to the parents and no one else.

2. Talking about a youth to other youth is hurtful to everyone involved. It makes my very sad and disappointed. No matter how mild the offense may seem to the adult, a child will take such a thing and it will eat at them for years. I speak from my own experience as a youth here.

3. Casting judgement by saying, "don't be like..." etc.
Okay, I'm taking a breath here.
People, those are damaging, injury inflicting words. It isn't okay to say that. I speak from experience here once again. When I was a teen, some adults in the LDS church said truly unkind things to and about me and they were the catalyst for some of the worst years of my life. The injury they inflicted on my heart took me many years to heal from, and even now, I can feel the ache from that mistreatment. I was a teen, a child. I trusted those adults to treat me correctly and with Christlike love. They should have behaved better, just as this leader should have behaved better. I tell you now, I am an active member of the LDS church IN SPITE of those adults. Those adults took the culture of my church and used it to cause emotional harm. This is wrong. If you are an adult who does that in any way, please, STOP IT.

I tried very hard to take a breath and be direct, but respectful. I am not sure what I hoped for in this instance, but, I am disappointed in the result. I think I had hoped for a sincere apology and a promise to be more mindful of how words can affect a child. I think I was hoping for what I would do if I were that adult who had hurt a child's feelings. This is a reminder to me that I have high expectations for myself and that is okay, but, when I expect similar from others, I may be asking too much of them. I'm going to have to settle for knowing I said what I felt I needed to say, and I was true to myself and my kiddo. All I can do at this time is protect my child from any influence I see as potentially unnecessarily hurtful. If this person violates it again, then I will remove my sweet, imperfect but still wonderful girl from this leader's sphere of influence. Remember, I made a promise to myself to protect my children from harm, particularly emotional harm in my church. I will keep my promise.

3 comments:

  1. I would like to say 'unbelievable' but unfortunately it's not. Good thing she had parents like she does to put that kind of behavior in the right perspective, that lady's problem!!! Way to go Towers!

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  2. Kimber, I don't know you but I think you're a riot most times and when you're not I've come to learn that you're well worth listening to. Even if my views are different. With this, you're spot on! That is not ok and reasons just like that are why I have never been involved in any organized religion (and tend to run far far away), petty maybe but I've always felt so much more hurt than it's worth, given it's been 20 years but I was a sensitive kid! Things like that don't only impact your daughter but those other kids it was said to as well. They are looking for guidance and getting a poor example from that leader, not your daughter. You writing this and things like it is refreshing for me, it reminds me that churches aren't really cults and there are many good people everywhere. It's sad that for some these judgmental members and even leaders overshadow.

    Also, totally support your parenting decisions, open communication will always win. Good for you, you (and your whole posse) are pretty amazing people. You're inspiring people you don't even know (me!) ;-)

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  3. I am sorry that you feel this way about me. But I need to stand up for myself and let you know that I didn't say those words that you quoted me saying. Or anything regarding this situation at all. In fact, I am still very confused at why you even wrote a blog post about something that didn't happen. In my own experience, when I am trying to find the truth about something, I go directly to the source (people involved) before I make any assumptions of what might have happened. That being said, why didn't you ask me what happened? Instead, you accused me of things that I didn't do. Your "true statements" did not come from me. I asked you to please call me and talk to me about this, and your reply was, "I've said what I needed to say." That's fine, but I don't know what you expect from me in the future. So again, I feel sorry that you had to use untrue words to paint a horrible picture of me and create a situation that didn't even happen. To anyone who might come across this blog post, please know that I am NOT the kind of person described above. I am honest, and I truly strive to do what is right. I am living the best that I can. I am not perfect by any means, but I am here to help and serve others.

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