So, I'm having a week.
This week is the Christmas Program. I get a little emotional during this week because I just want to help. I want to be a part of healing my county, and I am always quite uncertain as to my ability to do something so big. This week brings that uncertainty to the forefront.
I had to go Mama Bear over the weekend, and I am so disappointed in how that is playing out. I'm not surprised, but, I'm disappointed. I have to remember that I expect too much of people because I expect them to behave the way I expect myself to behave. I have to remember that when I speak plainly, it always makes people mad, and while that is their problem ultimately, I tend to really want to be gentle on everyone and I have to accept that I can't be true to myself and keep everyone happy ever time. Also, in the end, my priority in Mama Bear mode, is the baby bear and I am willing to be disliked or misunderstood in order to honor my priority. But, it still hurts like hell.
Work is hard right now. Hard in lots of ways. Hard.
The holidays are coming and I want things to be perfect for my kids and my husband and I may not pull it off and I'm upset with myself about it.
I need some space from the culture of my church, but I want to be closer to the gospel of my church and I am trying to find that balance and I am not having much success.
I'm lonely. Isn't that funny? I don't want to be around people because I am so exhausted right now, but, I'm lonely.
I miss people who aren't with me anymore and I wish I could talk to them and get some insight.
I want the city to just freaking vote on their police department stuff so everyone can move on. I feel so much sadness for people on both sides of this debate who are suffering and I want them to be able to move on, one way or the other. I'm frustrated that I feel so sad, because I know most of the people suffering could not give two shits about me and my family. In fact, if we were suffering, they would probably be a little tickled over it. Why in the world do I ache so much for them and feel compelled to keep praying for help for them? It is stupid.
So, to sum up, people disappoint. I put too much on myself.
But, the world is still more wonderful than horrible.