I got home from work yesterday and immediately fired up Thor the treadmill. There was a lot of buzzing in my head, and a good sweat usually fixes that right up. About 2 minutes into that run though, I realized there was a lot more than buzzing going on, and that I needed more of a therapy session than a good sweat. That's okay, Thor makes a great counselor.
3.6 miles later, I wobbled off the Thor feeling more like myself than I had in weeks.
I decided to write a little bit about it, so I can remember these moments and the feelings and thoughts I've had as I progress in my career.
I knew exactly what I was going to be doing when I agreed to be a child forensic interviewer. I even had an idea of how some aspects could/would affect me. I realized I'd be the new kid on the block and I'd spend a lot of time earning my stripes. I understood that I would need to really work hard to perform at a level that this work requires (and I feel very strongly about always giving each interview my absolute best every single time). I was prepared to work my tail off in order to give law enforcement the information they need to do their work in keeping people safe. None of that has been a surprise.
What I didn't realize is that, when the interview is over, I would feel rather helpless at times. I don't like that feeling. I'm a doer. I like to get in and make things happen. That isn't my role in the lives of the children I interview.
I have been thinking about what my role is and why I am doing it. I sit down in these interviews and let a child tell me all about the horrible, violating, frightening, sad, appalling things that happen to them. I listen and take my notes and ask my questions, and, I pray each time that somehow, by telling me their entire story, a burden is lifted from that child and they can start the healing process. I hope that they leave the terrible acts that were done to them in the forensic interview room with me so they can walk away from that darkness.
I want to be the person who helps them start the journey them forward into the light that they deserve to be in.
I hope I'm doing enough.
It hurts my heart to know for a fact that such evil is in this world. I don't have words to describe how it makes me feel sometimes. Yesterday, it was heavy. As I ran and ran on my treadmill, I didn't cry tears (which was surprising given the really big thoughts I was trying to push, well, run through), but, I think I was crying in a different way. I think there was so much garbage, so much baggage from things I hadn't stopped to process fully, that my run was more of a detox, a way to sweat out everything that was weighing my soul down.
As I ran, I listened to "Fight Song" over and over again. I love music. Of course, I'd be a rather odd semi-retired piano teacher if I didn't love music. Anyhow, I love music, and I think I needed a song to help me get my mind back in focus and my soul soothed enough so I can also move back into the light in between sessions in the dark, with the burdens little ones should never have to carry.
I really like this version of "Fight Song". It puts two songs together that I feel speaks to the children I interview. They don't hear it. But, I do.
They are strong, those littles in the forensic interview room. We could all learn so much from them.
Thanks for letting me share. I think I need a song to listen to before I interview and this may be it. I need to work on being as strong as the kiddos I talk to.